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Writing has always found me in the difficult times of my life. It’s like a compulsion. Like Marcel Proust wrote, “Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind.” During the happiest and best times I am subdued by writer’s block. But when all else seems to fail me, pen and paper becomes my friend.
Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind.
Curing Writer’s Block
The earliest I remember writing compulsively was during my middle school years. Ideas flowed from my finger tips like water. I could fill page after page, the stories seemingly writing themselves. My hand would strive to catch up to the outpouring of ideas that proliferated in my mind.
I’ve spent years stuck in a vortex of wishing I had the motivation to write and yet being stymied when I put pen to paper. As things became difficult in my pregnancy last year I found that my most reliable outlet was the written word. I am notably at a disadvantage when it comes to verbalizing pain and sadness. But when my pregnancy turned uncertain and stressful, I began to write. Just for me. Because I knew no other way to process and deal with all the things I was thinking and feeling.
Once Christian was born and I had some idea of what was ahead of us, I knew it was time to speak out. I wanted my friends and family to know what had really been going on while I stayed silent during my pregnancy. I published and shared my first blog post on social media. It felt vulnerable, and yet freeing to be up front about my difficult journey in becoming a mom. To read that first post that I published, click here.
Going Back to Work?
Knowing that Christian had birth defects that would probably require a lot of extra care, I was pretty set on taking a leave of absence from teaching after my maternity leave was up. Once he was born that plan was still in place, although I was going to quit if he was able to successfully be taken off the breathing tube and brought home. In the back of my mind I thought I would return if the unthinkable happened and Christian didn’t make it.
When he passed, going back to work was the least of my worries but I thought about it a lot anyway. On the one side, I wanted to go back for my precious students and at least finish the school year for them and their needs. On the other side, do my students really need an emotionally unstable teacher? Someone prone to panic attacks and crying spells because of random grief triggers. Did I want to bear that responsibility? Could I handle it?
The answer is no. As strong as I am, I don’t think I can handle the pressure and the stress; the emotional, mental, and physical commitment of returning to full time teaching. It was extremely stressful before I gave birth, I can only imagine it would be that much worse dealing with the grief of my sweet baby boy. The Hubs was in full agreement and supported my decision to take the rest of the school year off before deciding whether I would return or not.
But the question was, what would I do? How would I fill my time? There was the blog I had started during my pregnancy. I have wanted to start a blog for so long but every time I did I had no real direction. Christian gave me a direction, becoming a grief and lifestyle blogger. But I needed a better platform and a more professional look than what I had in my original blog. The Hubs and I invested in an awesome blog course and full setup from The Purple Teacup (it was all setup for me but there are tons of options for help on your blog). And from there Aussie Momma blog was born.
Now my longtime dream of blogging and writing has come true. It’s a very thin silver lining to an impossibly tragic situation. My son helped me find my voice. Writing for Christian and about Christian truly brings me joy. I wish he could know how much he still motivates and inspires me. But I will settle for leaving a legacy in his name. The little boy that made an indelible imprint on my soul will continue to leave an imprint on the lives of so many others. While this blog is my legacy for him, it’s ultimately a place for women who are or have experienced grief and anxiety from loss. I want to serve women like me who have such a lonely journey ahead.