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On a whim, I was browsing Disney merchandise this morning. I keep myself up to date about new releases and goings on at Disney because I love it so much. There have been a lot of new Disney-themed purse releases and I wanted to see if there were any I “had” to have. There were several pieces of UP merchandise, backpacks, pins, teacups, etc. I loved it all. I love the movie so much, and yet I realized I couldn’t buy any of it. Christian’s nursery theme is UP. Any of those things would remind me too much of him and the nursery he will never occupy. You see, the idea for his nursery theme has been so long in the making and it’s even more heartbreaking that I wasn’t able to bring him home to see it.
Planning, Hoping, Dreaming
It all started three summers ago on my summer break from teaching. I was beginning to experience what most people would agree is baby fever. It was 2015 and the Hubs and I hadn’t even been married a year. But I was dreaming of starting a family and bringing a baby into our home. I knew we needed to wait and I was ok with that. The logical part of me knew I wanted to wait and do more with the Hubs, be more prepared to start a family, and get some essential things taken care of (like buying a house!)
It didn’t keep me from planning nurseries though. I was on Pinterest for days on end looking for ideas and pictures of what my babies rooms would look like. If our first child was a girl, it would be a Winnie-the-Pooh theme. But if our first child was a boy, it would be an UP themed room. It was unique and precious and I just fell in love with the idea.
It’s Finally My Turn
And three years later, after that summer of pinning ideas, planning and dreaming, it was becoming a reality. Christian’s room would have a colorful balloon theme framed against a vibrant blue sky. It was so exciting to see the little details come together. I bought a globe and a jar to make his Paradise Falls bank. The day I watched the hubs put up the crib, it was as if everything I’d ever pictured was real. I was euphoric. Putting the furniture in that room made me cry. I could just see how amazing it would be to hold my little man in that room and fill it with memories of our family.
All that Planning for Nothing
But in the tragic way that life imitates art, our nursery would never be the home of our baby. I feel as though the sad scene in UP where they learn they cannot have children and the nursery is left empty is a part of our life too. Christian passed away the day before we were going to bring him home. If you’re brave enough to read it, this post chronicles my feelings from the day he died.
So what do we do now? I still haven’t been brave enough to open the door or even peek inside. Nothing in that room has been touched in weeks. It almost feels as though it doesn’t exist, yet there it sits, gathering dust instead of memories.
So What Becomes of Our Nursery?
I have been puzzling in my head what to do with that room. Do we paint over the unfinished mural? Do we wipe the traces of what could have and should have been? Does everything go into storage and become forgotten in the wake of bereavement?
I don’t want to act like that room didn’t have the most important purpose ever. To blot out the things that would have been Christian’s would be a travesty. I only want to honor his life and my precious memories of him in that room going forward. Even if it’s painful; even if there are days where I cry and can’t be in that room. Because to abandon everything that would remind me of my precious child would be like pretending he was never born. Rather I’d like to make it a tribute to my beautiful little boy.
Perhaps when the time is right we will make it into an office. Finish the mural. Hang up the pictures and trinkets that would have belonged to him. But make it a space where I can blog and write and continue to do things to build a legacy in his name.
Before I can decide what’s to become of that room I have to go in it. And I want to. But the time isn’t right yet. I’m still painfully aware of the memories and future that we cannot have. With time I know I’ll be brave enough to face it. But for now, I’ll bravely face each day and put one foot in front of the other.