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It feels like my pregnancy has been a nightmare. One thing after another comes along and it feels like I never have a break from the stress. I’m so worried about my baby and our future together.
Pregnancy: Expectation vs. Reality
Before I got pregnant, I imagined it being so amazing and beautiful. Yes, it would probably be difficult with hormones and emotions. But the elation of growing a baby and starting a family would be the absolute pinnacle.
Pregnancy has been more of a nightmare than I have ever anticipated. I expected it to be tough physically, but it seemed so much like sunshine and rainbows and all the feels. All of these pictures of glowing pregnant women holding their beautiful swollen bellies made me think that when I finally became pregnant, after waiting, wanting, and dreaming about it, I would be just as happy and glowing.
The Weight of Fear
Instead I feel as though I’m carrying a boulder of grief, pain, and wearisome worry. All of the doctor visits and tests are wearing me out. I want this baby boy so badly and I so desperately want him to be healthy and happy. I would gladly take all this misery and heartache if he’d just be my little Christmas miracle baby. If Christian is ok, even with surgeries, I will gladly take all the stress, the fear, and the pain.
But I still wonder how I can take anymore? Being pregnant and carrying this kind of weight doesn’t exactly leave me feeling strong enough to cope. I feel as though I have been put through more than any woman should bear. The outcome of this pregnancy is so unsure. I already feel like I am drowning in all the awful possibilities. I have never been so terrified in my entire life.
If it was just my life, my health, I could handle it. However, the inability to protect and safeguard my son from the unknown makes the journey even more intimidating. I have never wanted to move forward and yet stay still at the same time. Every time I feel like I’m getting myself back together, feeling ready and confident for the days ahead, my feet get kicked out from under me. Will the misery ever end?
The Nightmare of What If?
If Christian survives birth, the surgeries and everything else, will we ever be able to have a “normal” life together? Will our family ever find a new normal? I love this child more than life itself and I just need him to be healthy.
All I can do is hope and pray and believe this grief won’t break my body, my soul, or my spirit while I continue to care for the two of us and carry us into the unknown future.