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Do you want more children?
Emphatically, that answer is yes.
I want my Christian back more than anything, but that is not to be. The Hubs and I are in total agreement that ideally we’d be spending every moment on our sweet boy. But as we cannot, we want to have more.We have so much love to give and two of the biggest hearts. God has awakened a passion for a family that is not easily squelched.
So yes, we want more. I desperately want more children. But that opens up a whole can of worms of “how”? You see, with our faulty genetics, any child we produce has a 25% chance of having WWS. And, and as it did with Christian, it would eventually take the child’s life. And that makes our loss that much harder. We desperately want to grow and continue our family, but the way ahead is paved with tough choices and possible heartache. Again.
You can read more about our genetic issues with reproduction in How Genetics Suck.
We’ve explored so many options in the pursuit of information to help us form decisions for the days ahead. We’ve discussed each at length and continue to volley ideas back and forth. We aren’t in any rush though, as our healing and grief journeys take precedence.
So what are the options?
IVF – In Vitro Fertilization
One thought process is that we could have embryos screened and implanted. It would cost somewhere in the realm of $10k or more. However, this path does not have a 100% guarantee that, with all the money being spent, that the baby would be defect or syndrome free. Although the chances would be greatly diminished. We could also use donors for eggs or sperm, or both, but that is probably even more costly.
I have been blessed to be able to watch some recent fostering journeys. I cannot describe how amazing it is to see them making an impact on the foster world. There are some minor logistical issues, like the fact that I have five dogs. And the amount of in-progress home projects and the giant pool with no screen or fence. Home studies would need to be done and would probably necessitate more expenses. There’s also a major heart issue. I don’t know if I could bring children into my life and my home knowing that they might not stay. I’ve already done that once, I never want to do it again.
With state adoption there are quite a few similar issues to fostering. With private adoption there’s the issue of money. It can be just as expensive as IVF. And timing isn’t necessarily of your choosing. It’s very dependent on when children become available, etc. I have seen the good, the bad, the ugly of adoption. And although it is something we could consider, it’s not a direction I have ever been interested in going. That could change, but we’ll just have to see and time goes by.
While a valid option, it is also very expensive. And it may break my heart to watch someone carry a baby that I so desperately want to carry. I’m not infertile and it’s almost harder to imagine having someone else carry our child just because of a genetic issue. I can carry a child, and to term, but I cannot guarantee his safety.
This is truly the option that I want so badly, and yet it scares both of us so much. What if this time I miscarry? Or I can’t get pregnant again? Or I doom another baby to Christian’s fate? 25% is a huge chance! Walker-Warburg Syndrome is nothing to play around with and I don’t know if I’m brave enough to go through the same ending again. Yet I want so badly to carry more children. I loved the journey of pregnancy.
What Will We Do?
Our options are many but the choices are terribly hard. Financial, emotional, and physical factors play into any choice we make. We aren’t making a decision right now, but children are constantly on our minds. Especially when our arms and home are devoid of our precious boy and we want to fill that void so badly.
Only time will tell what our path will be and how we will soldier on in the face of this adversity.