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I have always believed I was meant to be a mom. In high school, I earned the nickname “mom.” It was probably due to my nurturing nature with my friends and acquaintances. I took good care of my friends. I gave them support, advice, or a swift kick in the butt if really needed. My two brothers and sister considered me like a second mom during my teen years while our mom was working long hours.
Mothering came naturally to me and it seeped into all my relationships. Not much has changed as I have gotten older. I still have friends call me mom because of the quality of care and loyalty I show them. Far too many people to count have told me I would make a great mother. Seeing me with my pups, my Hubs has often said I would be a wonderful mom. I worked as both a preschool and kindergarten teacher and with all my kid experience I just know I would be a fantastic mother.
Negotiating a Family
I have wanted to be a mom since I was little, probably around five years old. On our very first date, I told the hubs I wanted five children. He said no! So we spent the next several minutes negotiating. I said four – nope. Three? No. What about two? Not gonna work. So I told him we’d start with one. And that was the expectation for our whole relationship.
The Hubs didn’t really want kids and he would remind me every once in a while. But then, I did give him more than enough warning on our first date. He could have ended it right then if he didn’t want kids! Do I still want five children? Nope – I have my five Aussies! And they fill my home and heart. But it hasn’t completely taken away my desire for children. I decided I wanted two human puppies to add to our family. And eventually we agreed to try to start a family.
Becoming a Momma
When I found out I was pregnant, you could not have found a happier woman. I was blissed out (in between naps) with the realization that all I’d ever wanted was within my grasp. I wanted to be a mom so desperately and I had finally started my journey to becoming one. And our pregnancy journey, as horrible and painful as it was, made me more protective and proud to be my little man’s mommy. As he grew, so did my desire to be the best mom to one special little guy. In case you missed it, you can read all about Christian’s story here.
When Christian was born I cried, and I was so proud and relieved. As the days went by after his birth, being his mom became a more painful and stressful venture, yet made no less amazing by all the strife. Getting to hold him and bathe him and be his mommy in that little NICU room, that was payment enough for all the other rotten stuff.
As his little body began to fail on his last day on earth, I was faced with the reality of what happened to my motherhood. Who did I become without my child? Not only would I face the loss of my love, but the loss of myself in the position I thought I was born into. I was born to be a mom. It’s interlaced throughout my entire being. How many times have I been lauded for my mothering abilities? The way I care for and treat my Aussie pack is yet another example of how great I’d be as a mom. And yet the chance has been stripped from me. Am I even meant to be one? The child who made me a real mother is gone. And while I’d say I am now an even better mom to my pups, I feel completely void of true purpose.
It’s Not Fair
The other day the hubs and I were driving along. It had been a perfect day relaxing and tranquil. We stopped for a bus that was letting a little boy off in front of a small neighborhood. He had to be a preschooler, he was so little and adorable. As he stepped off the bus his loving mother swooped in, grabbed his backpack and took him by the hand. Such a simple unassuming moment that was probably so ordinary to them. Yet the pain stabbed through my heart as I watched such a simple moment. “It’s not fair! It’s not frigging fair!” screamed my thoughts. I sobbed because there was a mother and son who had each other. And yet I will never experience that moment with my Christian. My jealousy and despair was plentiful.
Am I Meant to be a Mom?
The nagging question remains in my thoughts: am I meant to be a mom? I know I’m a mom of a baby in Heaven, but that leaves the mothering part of me here void of purpose. Will my time ever come? Will I ever be given the blessing and opportunity to mother another child? Only God knows, but it leaves me with so many questions and fear that my dreams will never be a reality.